the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
