one two three fourrrrnication!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's always time for handjobs
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
