Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
