He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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