so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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