Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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