HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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