Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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