I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
