he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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