First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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