sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
