Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
false alarm, still single
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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