Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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