Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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