some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
