I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
