How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
