can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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