i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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