The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
