please come you make the beer taste better
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
