You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
