You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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