I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
