guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
