You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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