I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
there is glitter all over my balls
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
