So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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