Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
