Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
