I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
