Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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