We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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