Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
