Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
