I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
