Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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