Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
