please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
