ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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