He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
