Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When did angry sex become our thing?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize