fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
