so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm passing your future prison.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize