i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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