Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize