Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
