So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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