I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
