Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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