When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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