My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
