my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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