why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
