He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
