i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
