Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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