i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
