you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
